WASHINGTON (AP) — The Trump administration fired Bureau of Labor Statistics Commissioner Erika McEntarfer Tuesday, blaming her department for what officials called "unacceptably low employment numbers that make us look bad," according to sources familiar with the termination who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss personnel matters.

In a wide-ranging press briefing, administration officials blamed artificial intelligence companies for failing to process job applications quickly enough to match unemployed Americans with available positions, citing the technology sector's "pathetic and sad" development pace.

"OpenAI and its competitors have completely failed the American worker by not building LLMs fast enough to handle the volume of résumés flooding the system. If Sam Altman spent less time testifying to Congress and more time coding, maybe we wouldn't have 4.2% unemployment."

— Senior White House Economic Advisor (Anonymous)

The administration revealed it has reassigned 1,000 FBI agents to work in 24-hour rotating shifts processing recently declassified Epstein files, supplying them with what one Justice Department source described as "pharmaceutical-grade performance enhancers including Adderall, modafinil, and something the DEA hasn't classified yet."

"We've proven that a room full of wired FBI agents can process documents faster and more accurately than any AI system currently available. Several agents had not slept in 72 hours but had never been more productive."

— Justice Department Source (Anonymous)

"These agents volunteered for this assignment. Well, they were voluntold. But they're patriots who understand that processing these files at superhuman speeds is vital to national security."

— Deputy Attorney General Margaret Whitfield

Meanwhile, human resources software giant Workday announced plans to hire 10,000 children under the age of 14 at its new Singapore processing center after settling an age discrimination lawsuit related to its AI hiring algorithms. The company plans to administer stimulants intravenously to maintain what executives called "optimal productivity metrics."

"Our AI was discriminating against older workers, so we're eliminating AI from the equation entirely. Children have nimble fingers perfect for data entry, and with the right pharmaceutical support, they can work 18-hour shifts without complaint."

— Workday Spokesperson (Anonymous)

Human rights organizations have condemned the practice, with Amnesty International calling it "dystopian" and "probably illegal in most countries." However, a State Department official, speaking on deep background, dismissed these concerns:

"Singapore has different labor standards. Besides, these kids are getting valuable work experience and all the Adderall they can handle. It's basically an unpaid internship with benefits."

— State Department Official (Anonymous)

The Labor Department, now under acting commissioner Randy Thompson, issued a statement suggesting that unemployment numbers would improve once "AI stops being lazy and starts pulling its weight."

"We're considering classifying ChatGPT as an unemployed American citizen just to make the numbers work. It's not doing any real work anyway, just making stuff up like the rest of us."

— Labor Department Analyst (Anonymous)

Silicon Valley executives have pushed back against the administration's criticism:

"We're being asked to create AI that can instantly match millions of people with jobs while simultaneously being told to make it less intelligent so it doesn't replace those same workers. The math doesn't math."

— Anonymous Source at Major Tech Company

The administration has proposed a new "AI Acceleration Act" that would require tech companies to deliver fully functional artificial general intelligence by July 4, 2025, or face penalties including "mandatory relocation of all employees to FBI document processing facilities."

"If these tech bros can't deliver AGI on America's birthday, they can join our amphetamine-fueled document review program. We've got plenty of Epstein files left to process."

— White House Policy Advisor (Anonymous)

As of press time, the FBI agents assigned to the Epstein document project had reportedly begun seeing patterns in unrelated documents, with one agent claiming to have found "clear connections between a 1997 Palm Beach grocery receipt and the Kennedy assassination."

The White House declined to comment on reports that the president had suggested replacing the entire Bureau of Labor Statistics with "one guy with Excel and a lot of Red Bull."